I wrote this post before all the ridiculousness with the failed attempts to register for Seawheeze, so if the timing seems…..off, that’s why. I’d like to think I wasn’t an asshole yesterday, just frustrated.
I’m not sure if it’s the weather, the time of year, or if I’m just more attuned to it, but I’ve been hearing so many stories of people being rude or inconsiderate lately, and it’s really starting to bother me. Then I get irritated with myself because I’m feeling bothered – see, a little over a year ago, I was one of those angry, snappy people.
The biggest change between then and now is that I’ve made it a goal to love myself. I figure if I love me, then I can hurtful interactions and rudeness roll off my back. It may not always be easy, and, sure, sometimes I stew and want to snark back, but I’ve learned it’s not up to me to change people. I can’t. (I’ve tried).
When I see people fixated on gossiping and judging, or filling holes with materialistic things, I feel badly for them. I know all too well what that’s like (see: buying lots of clothes and two cats). I tried with all my might to fill my sadness with stuff. When that didn’t work, I became pretty miserable. I was all about creating this life that appeared wonderful and perfect and happy – and I guess I did a pretty good job since so many people were shocked when my husband and I separated in 2012.
That was really the catalyst for me to start loving myself.
If I couldn’t love me, then how in the world would I (eventually) be able to love another person?
Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Not at all. I was so used to having a partner to do things with that something simple as buying something for my condo, or going to the movies, or even registering for a race felt odd at first.
And then? I began doing things for me. I started to do things because I wanted to do them, not because I was supposed to.
I started caring less and less about what others thought of me, but generally made it a goal not to purposefully piss people off.
Which bring me to my motto:
Don’t be an asshole
Or, in poster form:
If you don’t love yourself this is difficult.
When you do? It’s so easy.
It doesn’t cost me anything to smile at someone having a bad day, or to make chit-chat at the grocery store.
Since learning to love myself I’m able to make decisions and feel strong in them, even if I know I might hurt someone. Now, I would never intentionally do something to hurt someone (as much as the vindictive, petty part of my bring my think of it on occasion) but sometimes in staying true to me I might hurt someone.
I don’t like it; it’s not a good feeling, but I’d rather stay true to me, than compromise me to make someone happy. Been there – done that; it didn’t turn out so well for me.
While not everything in my life may be how I imagined it would be, I’m much much happier now that I was a year ago, and I love that.