I’ve made a point to not discuss any explicit details of my personal life on here. I’ve done this out of respect for the individuals involved, as I don’t think it’s fair to discuss people who are not me (aside from commenting that I hung out with friends, or whatever) on the internet.
On Saturday I wrote a bit of a downer post, which is quite unlike what I normally post here, and I knew it. Although I don’t want to post all the nitty gritty personal details, I also don’t want to create a false persona online, so I knew my funk was probably showing through my posts and I wanted to address it.
At the time of writing/posting that, all I had was a gut feeling that something just wasn’t quite right. Over the past year I’ve heard a lot of third party information, but without any concrete validation (and a huge dislike for rumours/gossip of any kind) I believed what I wanted to believe.
It turns out my gut feeling was correct. My personal plans for how I thought my life was going to be ended up being turned upside down. The gossip and rumours turned out to be true. (I realize this is vague and leaves a lot of room for interpretation; however, regardless of the specific events, I still don’t believe it’s appropriate to air my (or anyone else’s) dirty laundry on the internet.).
This year has been the hardest of my life. This truly isn’t an exaggeration; it really has.
Right now I’m in a bit of a bummer place, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m confused, and I’m mourning. I’m mourning the life I thought I was going to have. (Okay, bummer might be a bit of an understatement…)
However, through the events of this past year, I also know I’m going to be able to pick myself up and keep being that awesome girl I’ve spent the past year working on. I’m so glad I made the choice to re-learn how to love me and to focus on me over the past year – it’s made me a stronger person, so I know I’ll be able to pick myself up and carry on.
That’s not to say I won’t have bad days or there won’t be tears and anger and hurt – all those are normal – I just know in the end I love myself and I will be happy. I know my God is good and He’ll be watching over me through all of this.
To everyone who reached out to me yesterday, thank you. Knowing I have so many people who love and support me means the world to me.
To the people I’ve spoken poorly of out of hurt and anger, I apologize.
I don’t plan on addressing this much further, or in any more detail that I have today. Sometimes writing is cathartic, and sometimes I just feel like I’m reliving sad moments over and over again. While I can’t say I won’t have sad moments, I’m choosing not to make them the focus of my life. I’ve grown a lot over this past year and really have become the best I’ve ever been, and I want to continue that, although I know it won’t be easy for the next few weeks and months.
I’ll be back to your regularly scheduled fun programming tomorrow.