Ups and Downs. Or, 375 days.

I’ve made a point to not discuss any explicit details of my personal life on here. I’ve done this out of respect for the individuals involved, as I don’t think it’s fair to discuss people who are not me (aside from commenting that I hung out with friends, or whatever) on the internet.

On Saturday I wrote a bit of a downer post, which is quite unlike what I normally post here, and I knew it. Although I don’t want to post all the nitty gritty personal details, I also don’t want to create a false persona online, so I knew my funk was probably showing through my posts and I wanted to address it.

At the time of writing/posting that, all I had was a gut feeling that something just wasn’t quite right. Over the past year I’ve heard a lot of third party information, but without any concrete validation (and a huge dislike for rumours/gossip of any kind) I believed what I wanted to believe.

It turns out my gut feeling was correct. My personal plans for how I thought my life was going to be ended up being turned upside down. The gossip and rumours turned out to be true. (I realize this is vague and leaves a lot of room for interpretation; however, regardless of the specific events, I still don’t believe it’s appropriate to air my (or anyone else’s) dirty laundry on the internet.).

This year has been the hardest of my life. This truly isn’t an exaggeration; it really has.

Right now I’m in a bit of a bummer place, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m confused, and I’m mourning. I’m mourning the life I thought I was going to have. (Okay, bummer might be a bit of an understatement…)

However, through the events of this past year, I also know I’m going to be able to pick myself up and keep being that awesome girl I’ve spent the past year working on. I’m so glad I made the choice to re-learn how to love me and to focus on me over the past year – it’s made me a stronger person, so I know I’ll be able to pick myself up and carry on.

That’s not to say I won’t have bad days or there won’t be tears and anger and hurt – all those are normal – I just know in the end I love myself and I will be happy. I know my God is good and He’ll be watching over me through all of this.

To everyone who reached out to me yesterday, thank you. Knowing I have so many people who love and support me means the world to me.

To the people I’ve spoken poorly of out of hurt and anger, I apologize.

I don’t plan on addressing this much further, or in any more detail that I have today. Sometimes writing is cathartic, and sometimes I just feel like I’m reliving sad moments over and over again. While I can’t say I won’t have sad moments, I’m choosing not to make them the focus of my life. I’ve grown a lot over this past year and really have become the best I’ve ever been, and I want to continue that, although I know it won’t be easy for the next few weeks and months.

I’ll be back to your regularly scheduled fun programming tomorrow.

No questions today, just love and appreciation for all my friends.

22 thoughts on “Ups and Downs. Or, 375 days.

  1. I can relate. If course I don’t know specifics but I survived my worst year ever which turned out to be the beginning of the best time of my life. Trust me when I say it does get easier. I know we’ve never met, but I am thinking about you and want you to know how awesome and inspiring you are!

  2. You are awesome. You have been the strongest I’ve ever heard you this year. I don’t know what has happened recently (and it’s none of my business), but you should look back on how you’ve personally grown. Keep plugging along and kicking ass. You deserve nothing but a bright future.

  3. Hugs ❤ Distance may separate us but know that we are always thinking of you (and were only a phone call away). When you're in a down place the only way to go is up and when you push yourself higher you can achieve greatness!

  4. Hey, I’ve been somewhere like that. Something that was comforting to me at the time and still is (and I only mention it because you mentioned God) is the idea that you commit yourself to God’s plan for you and that is often not the plan that God has for you. Working out what that plan might be involves letting go of your plan which is tough but will be worth it in the end…

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